the beauty of a heartbreak

 "couldn't be even more grateful that god let me felt this way,

i never expect that i would be this sad when i let my guard down and set an expectation on a person. it's my fault, always be my fault, forever be my fault. thought i already good enough to learn from my experiences and take notes-- but nothing. i know EXACTLY that day would come someday, as if it's happening on the status quo, everyday, 'till it actually come straight through me, fast track, i'm not surprised at all.

everything seems clear now. i understand the situation from the start and still took chances to be happy through those moments. and back to the fact that-- it was all my fault but thank you to tell the truth in front of my face. thank you to let me be happy with all the moments that you made with those grey feelings.

heartbreak give me a real break on life.

call some besties, cry loud, take a deep breath, swearing-- all day. first day felt so weird. i felt sick, not even had any energy to sit even on my bed. i slept. cried. laugh. tired and slept. slept again. laugh. cried, 24 hours.

day two, i stop crying and start wondering why why why why why while listening to that 53 minutes recording of bajingan section in life. just in case i got amnesia and thought that everything was a dream, but hell no devi, listen to that.

on the evening, i had to finish my responsibility as a head of something. first comeback stage, felt even weird. tell myself back and back again, you can do this all day. it's hard being such a thinker person. i know that the situation is not good for me to continue, and i really stopped that. take chances to meet people, distraction, not sad but angry yesterday idk why.

felt like god already set my schedule this 'smooth' cause on the third day, i should go to campus, which was today. WEIRDDD i'm being such a professional, but heartless. and anyway thank you for not going today, sir. i really appreciate that. even tho today, i'm still swearing on every silent moment. but more like emm well life must go on. i took a sip of a mc donald's iced coffee raspberry and a plate of spicy chicken bites. life was good.

and yes,

still wondering why world being such an evil in a day and back normal a day after. left a dark space in my heart where sometimes made me think and think and think about nothing. just made a validation of my besties' statement that they said: i can go through this. 

thank you for making me such a wonderful days and night, open up my mind on things that i never thought about that before, listen to all my shit chitchat, and let me acknowledge another stupid part of me. it was great, thank you for stopping by.


loving you was sunshine, safe and sound

a steady place to let down my defenses

but loving you had consequences





notes: i read book again because of you, thank you! even tho lebih ke memberikan waktu dan tempat untuk pergi but yauda that way sir haha

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